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I wasn’t procrastinating. It was that I didn’t fixate anymore on how to make this ‘perfect’ because it became perfect by the unusual way it was conceived and my admission to its perfection, which has all the potentials contained within it past/present/future all here for me now in the way I imagined it would be. Beautiful.

Such loyalty, such compassion is offered to you in this moment. If we are devout and patient in our fulfillment, somehow everything is always already complete.

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Déjà vu

Spring day inside The Chicago Botanic Garden

The other day I experienced déjà vu. I was at the mall running through my mind some feelings of defeat and disappointment in a relationship.

Last week I had written myself an email about a vivid dream of a raucous party in Bel Air. We were then climbing a tenuous, unsteady platform in the middle of a muddy river to shoot a scene. As my crew and I climbed up our weight made the platform gently tip over and we all got lunged off and soaked in the river. It was a soft fall in slow motion, no feeling of physical weight or harsher sensations of being slapped into dirty mud waters. It was safe.

When I woke up I felt a heavy backlash of lethargy and melancholy similar to the déjà vu. In the dream, however, I felt thrilled by the chase, the attempt to climb the heights of this platform to get the perfect shot.

I knew the dream was vivid because it was significant. I think dreams are perhaps a ‘postcard from the future’ preparing us to properly receive our experience in this physical reality, which is more visceral and painful.

Then when we wake from a dream how we react to it becomes a kind of test run. Strangely having déjà vu made me feel more compassionate towards myself and the situation which brought on so much initial disappointment.

Perhaps, déjà vu is a mechanism that was created to protect us from our ‘overreaction’ to something that is perhaps more benevolent in nature, a presence of Spirit that would shield us from the actual fall in physical reality by feeling already familiar. I felt I should have been far more hurt in real life, but when it came to this relationship it felt much lighter like it was held in some protective womb trying to be sort out in ways I could not perceive or fully grasp at least for now.

There are Infinite Possibilities, Infinite Lives, Infinite Universes


Recently I heard schizophrenics ‘do not hear the other side. They *are the other side.’ I also do not really believe in space/time concepts anymore which are too limiting and are only modes of perception and experience. Beyond this there is only pure consciousness – infinite possibilities infinite lives infinite universes which are existing as fractals of one unified experience. If you can imagine it everything you are and have ever wished to become you have already been. You think it you become aware of it. Therefore it existed/exists/will exist.

Carson’s Closing Sale




Carson’s Closing Sale brought a lot of unexpected frenzy, entertainment, and brand name goods to people who would never shop here because it was too expensive.

I would be hard pressed to buy shoes or clothes here if not for 80 to 90% marked down prices. The uncool factor is too high and reflects an attitude of consumption we can’t tolerate at this point.

Except, I did notice that the quality of stuff that my mom bought was a bit more refined and durable than the used shit I buy and toss away without a second thought. I always think, well I didn’t pay that much for it so who cares. Millennial attitudes are killing malls, department stores, and frankly anything we don’t like at an alarming rate.

I love the ghostly nature of these empty glass cases and shelves. It makes me certain that what we think and do can affect monoliths like Carson’s if we can see ourselves as part of it. If we one day stop supporting the corporations and systems that no longer work for us, then they can be out of business within a few years. Easy. Done.