Wishes, Pure Intent

Everyone is concerned about what happens after you die but rarely inquire about where you were before you were born. Often our mind stops at coming from mother’s womb. My mom told me she wished for a girl, had dreams of the ocean, and ate a lot of gogi, and I was born. Co-creating is about wishes, pure intent.

Vow

I think marriage is a vow to silently kill eachother. These are my parents who had different styles of survival my father was very physical, abrasive and verbally abusive while my mother more subtle and covert ie. she could easily starve you if you pissed her off. My dad’s weakness is he could not cook because being served was a personal pleasure.

Funeral Courtyard

This still is from my visit to Riverwoods Cemetery in Des Plaines, Illinois. My mom and I were stepping into another administrative building to finalize arrangements for my father’s ashes. It doesn’t look occupied or in active use anymore, it was like a dead building, just like the dead people buried all around this plot of land.

I was present for my father and his dying process. I am wondering what he is doing at the moment, not being in physical form anymore, but perhaps his soul is in the ether co-existing with me in a different dimension of space/time, and sending me strange dreams, light, and information of what happened to him prior to passing away.

Eerily I had one nightmare about a week prior to his death in which we were both hiking up a mountain at night. Suddenly, we were up so high there were huge boulders everywhere so it was steep and difficult to walk or see. I remember there were others trapped there, and that is when he had fallen and passed away. I thought it was just a dream.

I wanted to be at his bedside when his health took a dive so he would know he was not alone.  In hindsight that was naive and simple to imagine I could control that much. But I wasn’t expecting him to leave me so abruptly. I am ruminating over the last couple of years how difficult it has been caring for him, what I could have done better to prevent what happened toward the end. I feel shattered about how he died, but also feeling peace in knowing he doesn’t have to suffer anymore either.