This still is from my visit to Riverwoods Cemetery in Des Plaines, Illinois. My mom and I were stepping into another administrative building to finalize arrangements for my father’s ashes. It doesn’t look occupied or in active use anymore, it was like a dead building, just like the dead people buried all around this plot of land.
I was present for my father and his dying process. I am wondering what he is doing at the moment, not being in physical form anymore, but perhaps his soul is in the ether co-existing with me in a different dimension of space/time, and sending me strange dreams, light, and information of what happened to him prior to passing away.
Eerily I had one nightmare about a week prior to his death in which we were both hiking up a mountain at night. Suddenly, we were up so high there were huge boulders everywhere so it was steep and difficult to walk or see. I remember there were others trapped there, and that is when he had fallen and passed away. I thought it was just a dream.
I wanted to be at his bedside when his health took a dive so he would know he was not alone. In hindsight that was naive and simple to imagine I could control that much. But I wasn’t expecting him to leave me so abruptly. I am ruminating over the last couple of years how difficult it has been caring for him, what I could have done better to prevent what happened toward the end. I feel shattered about how he died, but also feeling peace in knowing he doesn’t have to suffer anymore either.